Fear of Connection

Alone: that’s how we are, lost in endless thoughts, calculating every step, avoiding every risk.
Afraid. Always scared of the first step, the first leap, the first touch. Scared of being vulnerable. Afraid of connection.

The closer we get to one another, the thicker the walls we build to hide our skin, our minds, our fragile hearts, our restless souls. Each step closer is a whole world away, constantly running from what lies inside our hearts.
What are we scared of? Is it rejection? Is it pain? Is it happiness that frightens us so much? Are we so afraid of connecting with another soul, with the truth within ourselves?

Is it, maybe, the thought that we couldn’t handle the power of our love, the power of their love, a blissful feeling that, deep down, we think we are not worthy of?
We are scared of not connecting with each other, but the fear of connection is stronger.

The constant fear that emotion makes us vulnerable, that we’re tying someone to our heart and we’re going to sink together, and we will slowly fall apart, bringing them with us, letting them down, falling in and out of love, falling into the depths of the scariest places, our hearts, our minds, where our thought are running free and we’re captured.

We are afraid of what we might see in each other once we look ourselves in the eye: will we find the spark? Will the flame in their eyes burn just as bright as the one that turns our insides into ashes? What if their fire is going to devour us until there’s nothing left but lonely smoke, a ghost of the ties we’re so afraid to make?

Or maybe we’re afraid of everything being alright, a painful fear of happy endings and loving embraces, a gentle touch, a hand to hold... Afraid of letting ourselves laugh, of letting ourselves to be loved by someone, of connecting with someone before we managed to connect with our inner self, with the abandoned child that is starving for love, for happiness, for a warm smile that only we could give.

We are afraid of our hypocrisy, of the fact that we are expecting love from others without giving love to ourselves. We are afraid of connection because we don’t think we deserve it because we know that we’ll ruin it just like we ruined the dreams we had, we’ll fall apart like the high towers we built when we were kids.

We are afraid of our fears and that they will swallow us into oblivion; that we’re going to love, we’re going to hate, we’re going to live and die and we’re going to feel something. We’ll have to face our true nature and our loved ones will have to face it to; and we are cowards.

We’re little kids in the rain, scared, cold, alone. We’re adults lying to ourselves, lying to everyone, hiding behind our self-made fortress that we call a fear of connection.

  • Choreography: Cezara Blioju
  • Dancers: Maria Rogojan & Alyn Arhire
  • Text: Maria Rogojan
  • Photographer: Andrei Mihai Cristian (www.dinMers.ro)